One of my favorites.

A woman has been invited to her friend's house for a holiday dinner. Her friend's dog, Sparky is sitting on the floor beside her chair. Halfway through the dinner, the woman's stomach begins to hurt. She decides to pass a little gas hoping nobody will notice.

"Sparky, GO AWAY!" shouts her friend's husband.

"Great!" she thinks to herself, "He's blaming it on the dog, so I can let it all out!"

She lets out a little more gas.

"Sparky, I SAID GO AWAY!"

At this point, the woman lets out a real nasty one.

"SPARKY, SERIOUSLY, GO AWAY BEFORE SHE SHITS ON YOU!"

Twenty Dollars Please!

On their wedding night, the young bride
Approached her new
Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
Lovemaking encounter. In
His highly aroused state, her husband readily
Agreed.



This scenario was repeated each time they made
Love, for more
Than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
Cute way for her to
Afford new clothes and other incidentals that
She needed.



Arriving home around noon one day, she was
Surprised to find
Her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that
His employer
Was going through a process of corporate
Downsizing, and he had
Been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
59, he'd be able to find
Another position that paid anywhere near what
He 'd been earning, and
Therefore, they
Were financially ruined.



Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
Showed more than thirty
Years of steady deposits and interest totaling
Nearly $1 million. Then she
Showed him certificates of deposits issued
By the bank which were worth over $2 million,
And informed him that they
Were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


She explained that
For the more than
Three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
These holdings had multiplied
And these were the
Results of her savings and investments.


Faced with evidence of cash and investments
Worth over $3
Million, her husband was so astounded he could
Barely speak, but
Finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If
I'd had any idea what you
Were doing, I would have given you all my
Business!'



That's when she shot him.

ohh, how could I resist this one?

For the record, my friend has been on and on about how my life is essentially incomplete without b3ta. So I finally go check it out and the topic du jour is shit stories. Nuff said.

Well mine's not that great but I just have to share.
One time in high school my friends and I were wandering about a neighborhood for some now unimportant reason. I started getting that I'm either going to shit or barf really soon feeling so I ducked into this little lot covered with trees behind a church and popped a squat, with one of my friends rummaging around trying to find me some nice big non-rash causing leaves to wipe with (she ended up returning with some kind of fuzzy ones thinking they'd grab the poo better... how much do my friends rock?) and the rest inquiring as to my progress from a distance. Well apparently I have like shit performance anxiety or something cos I couldn't bring myself to do it with everyone there. Probably not such a bad thing.

Also, my cat now and her predecessor seem to view shitting as a succinct way to share their displeasure at their humans. The first one used to shit on my bed when I was a kid when we'd go on vacation (like I would've chosen to take off on a god awful road trip if I had a choice). Spike (the current one) shits in front of our front door if she's pissed off (which is apparently about once a week, Mama deals with it now that I'm away at school). You know she's done it because every time she shits where she's not sposed to she gets really frisky and runs up and down the stairs over and over...